


Performance-Based Acquisition

by haphazardmethod



Category: Stargate Atlantis
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2006-01-25
Updated: 2006-01-25
Packaged: 2017-10-17 14:54:55
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,006
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/178042
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/haphazardmethod/pseuds/haphazardmethod
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The Reinventing Government reform effort reaches Atlantis.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Performance-Based Acquisition

From: Elizabeth Weir  
To: Col. John Sheppard  
Re: Procurement regulations

The Acquisition Technology and Logistics branch of the Department of Defense is reviewing procurement performance, and we have to submit a report on our 20 most recent items procured off-world. On that list of 20 is the ZPM we acquired on WMF-045. I think you are the person best qualified to prepare the material for review. I have attached the form and instructions.

 

From: Col. John Sheppard  
To: Elizabeth Weir  
Re: Re: Procurement regulations

This is your revenge for the incident on PHJ-987, isn't it. I told you, that wasn't my fault.

 

From: Elizabeth Weir  
To: Col. John Sheppard  
Re: Not at all

The "incident" you refer to required six days of negotiating before the residents of PHJ-987 would agree to re-establish trading relations. Where by "negotiating," I mean "sitting by attentively while natives enact a redressive ritual involving painting the team black and then red and then white." I'm as ardent a fan of ritual as the next anthropologist, but there will be consequences if I ever again to have to listen to Dr. McKay complain in fetishistic detail about potentially life-threatening allergic reactions and white paint in his various bodily crevasses. However, as leader of this expedition, I am well aware that revenge is unseemly and personally I am above such petty considerations. I suggest that you reconsider your previous statement.

In any case, that all occurred on PHJ-987 and I am referring to a different mission, the ZPM you acquired on WMF-045. Your post-mission report was short on details and so it falls to you to process this form.

 

From: Col. John Sheppard  
To: Elizabeth Weir  
Re: Re: Not at all

Not. My. Fault.

 

From: Elizabeth Weir  
To: Col. John Sheppard  
Re: Crevasses

Fill out the form.

 

From: Col. John Sheppard  
To: Dr. Rodney McKay  
Re: ZPM

Elizabeth has "delegated" paperwork about the ZPM as part of some official procurement review. I hate you.

 

From: Rodney McKay  
To: Col. John Sheppard  
Re: ZPM

Is this about the Incident?

 

From: Col. John Sheppard  
To: Rodney McKay  
Re: ZPM

Of course it's about the Incident. Have I mentioned lately that I hate you?

 

From: Rodney McKay  
To: Col. John Sheppard  
Re: ZPM

I had nothing to do with what happened on PHJ-987. That was all you and your incessant gun fondling. Also, as I recall, she didn't mind the team report so much when it came to describing Ronan's... reaction to the painting. Though under the circumstances, I can see how it would be in your best self-interest to forego reminding her about that.

What are you going to tell her about Planet Precious Bodily Fluids ?

 

From: Col. John Sheppard  
To: Rodney McKay  
Re: Me?

I wouldn't have had my gun in my hands if you hadn't freaked them all out by drooling over the chief's wife.

I have no idea what to put in this form.

 

From: Rodney McKay  
To: Col. John Sheppard  
Re: No it wasn't

She smelled like coffee but I was not drooling. Appreciating, if anything, and in the end it was my discovery of their almost-coffee that made the trade negotiations worthwhile, even with the (fortunately for all of us but especially for me non-allergenic and non-psychoactive) bodypaint.

Because I am legendary for my beneficence, and also because my computer diagnostic is still running, if you send me the form, I will see what I can do.

 

From: Col. John Sheppard  
To: Rodney McKay  
Re: You drooled. It was unseemly.

Beneficence. Legendary would be one word for it, yes. Form attached.

 

From: Rodney McKay  
To: Col. John Sheppard  
Re: ha ha

You know, I've often thought honesty is the best policy. Here's your form. Glad I could help.

 

 **Identifier:** 1-800-CALL-JOHN  
 **Date:** 2/4/05  
 **POC for this Action:** Col. John Sheppard, Atlantis  
 **Description of Item Purchased:** Crystal-based power source based on wormhole technology.  
 **Performance period:** None of this will be necessary when my current research on nanostructured hybrid materials is complete. I expect this to take no longer than two years, though certain steps along the way will require declassification before I can submit my work to the proper channels for consideration for the Nobel Prize, which I will win without a doubt because Steinmetz' work in this area is criminally, completely and thoroughly wrong.  
 **Total Amount of Purchase:** An hour of our time (and may I add that an hour of my time is an invaluable resource), some sacrifice of personal dignity, and several teaspoons of seminal fluid.  
 **Payment schedule:** One hour.  
 **Solicitation Procedure:** They demanded we perform or there would be no ZPM and possibly bloodshed. I am too valuable a resource to be killed by Stone-Age grunts wearing kilts.  
 **Type of Action:** Sexual intercourse.  
 **# of Offers Received:** 5\. This Kirk business has got to stop.  
 **Authority for Other than Full & Open Competition:** Open competition? Over my dead body.  
 **Ordering Activity:** Oral sex, anal sex.  
 **Selected Vendor:** Dr. Rodney McKay.  
 **Describe how the contract and task order or other arrangement was performance-based:** The grunts made it clear that without performance on both our parts, culminating in public orgasms, the terms of the agreement would be unfilled. Despite what some people seem to think, scientists are as creative and focused in their sex lives as they are in their field of scientific expertise. I have spent many hours discovering exactly what makes Col. Sheppard come so hard he can neither speak nor move. This detailed knowledge was utilized in our efforts to get in and out of there with a ZPM and no wounds as quickly as possible. As both those objectives were achieved, I rest my case.  
 **Post Award Administration:** The Colonel spent about 30 minutes in a haze but eventually recovered full use of his faculties, such as they are.  
 **Government Satisfaction with Contract Performance:** We have the ZPM, don't we?

 

From: Sean Rodmeyer  
To: Radek Zelenka  
Re: Computing services

Please remind Dr. McKay that all e-mail traffic is monitored. And oh yeah, you owe me $50.

**Author's Note:**

> For the sga_flashfic Documentation challenge.


End file.
